Welcome to Row Z, our weekly column on The Athletic that shines a light on the bonkers side of the game.
From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every Friday we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the game we all love…
The return of the Chels
Chelsea are so back, folks. It’s been really disconcerting seeing the Blues experience a fairly normal few months in which they’ve won a lot of matches, not sacked any managers and not done anything massively banterous.
However, the transfer window is open, Chelsea are doing Chelsea things and all is right with the world.
Example one
July 2024 — Promising young Portuguese defender Renato Veiga joins for around £12million ($14.6m) from Basel. He signs a seven-year contract at Stamford Bridge with the option of an eighth year.
August to December 2024 — Veiga plays 18 times in all competitions, becoming a key part of Enzo Maresca’s squad largely down to his versatility in being able to play in central defence, at full-back and in midfield.
Maresca praises the 21-year-old and says he is proud when the impressive Veiga earns his first Portugal cap in October. He earns another two caps in November, playing the full 90 minutes at centre-back in his first three international appearances.
January 2025 — Renato Veiga likely to leave Chelsea in January.
Good job they negotiated that option for an eighth year.
Veiga: from integral to peripheral (Chris Lee – Chelsea FC/Chelsea FC via Getty Images)
Example two
August 2024 — Centre-back Trevoh Chalobah is omitted from Chelsea’s pre-season tour, stripped of his squad number and made to train with the bomb squad across the road from the first-team building.
It is made abundantly clear to Chalobah that he has no place in Maresca’s first-team plans and he is loaned to Crystal Palace for the season.
January 2025 — Chalobah is recalled to take up a key role in Maresca’s first team.
It’s great to have you back Chelsea, the real-life version of Football Manager lives on. Never change.
Guess who’s back. Trevoh’s back (Sebastian Frej/MB Media/Getty Images)
Neymar’s bargain basement
Talking of having more money than sense, MLS outfit Chicago Fire have looked into the possibility of signing whatever is left of Neymar.
The deal looks unlikely to have any legs (just like… no that’s too easy) but reports have suggested the Fire were prepared to pay Neymar roughly what Lionel Messi makes for Inter Miami (a base annual salary of £9.8m with guaranteed compensation rising above £16.4m according to the MLS Players Association salary release).
It’s a curious notion, given that Al Hilal have so far paid Neymar around £2m for every minute he’s been on the field for them. In return, he’s scored one goal in seven appearances since signing in 2023 in a deal which is reported to have included an £80m transfer fee, a private jet, a mansion and a fleet of luxury cars.
“The truth is that he has not been able to keep up with the team physically,” manager Jorge Jesus said this week.
Sounds like a bargain for someone.
GO DEEPER
Neymar to Chicago would be a failed signing for him, the club, and MLS
Don’t mention the war
A radio exchange for the ages on Talksport now. When you hear the words “Ray Parlour”, “Alan Brazil” and “discussing the Second World War like it was a football match”, you know you’re in for some incredible content.
Parlour (the former Arsenal midfielder): “Do you know what, Al. Winning the war was unbelievable, weren’t it? The party they must have had when they won the war!”
Brazil (the former Scotland striker): “Yeah.”
Parlour: “Cos we’d all have been German now, wouldn’t we?”
Brazil: “Yeah.”
Parlour: “So that was an historical moment. Winston Churchill, what he did. And then, for them to surrender… Germans… was an amazing, for British, really.”
Parlour in his playing days with England (Sean Dempsey – PA Images/PA Images via Getty Images)
The pair then discuss the best portrayals of Winston Churchill on screen, as well as their trip to Berlin.
Parlour: “I just… if you look back at those programmes, about the war, he was a little bit blase wasn’t he, Winston Churchill. He went for things and we think: ‘Woah’.”
Brazil: “God, he loved a bevvie didn’t he?”
Parlour: “Well, obviously, cigars. You been to the rooms down in Westminster? Really interesting. It could have gone either way, but it was unbelievable how they took chances and it come out on top.”
You think you’ve heard it all in life and then Ray Parlour praises the British army for being prolific in battle and compares Winston Churchill to a maverick, risk-taking No 10 in the mould of Mesut Ozil.
What next? Parlour criticises Germany’s defensive line, expresses incredulity at Italy switching sides at half-time and praises the impact of super-sub Americans?
Kramaric says it how it is
Let’s be honest, the majority of post-match player interviews are dull.
Players generally don’t want to do them. They’ve just come off the pitch, are physically and mentally exhausted having run the equivalent of half a marathon, and then have a microphone shoved in their face to be asked how they feel.
What follows usually comprises cliche-ridden, media-managed banality.
Unless you’re Hoffenheim’s Andrej Kramaric and you’ve just lost 5-0 to Bayern Munich and are in the relegation zone.
“If I want to say the things on my mind about the club, I will probably get the biggest fine in the history of the Bundesliga,” Kramaric said last weekend.
“This is one big shit season.”
⚠️Here is Hoffenheim’s Andrej Kramaric and his interview with us on @ESPNFC after their 5-0 defeat at Bayern.
“This is one big shit season”
“If I want to say the things on my mind about the club, I will probably get the biggest fine in the history of the Bundesliga.” pic.twitter.com/QrYyjWCkbv
— Archie Rhind-Tutt (@archiert1) January 15, 2025
So does Evatt
To League One now and a novel approach to trying to keep his job from under-fire Bolton Wanderers boss Ian Evatt.
Evatt oversaw a fourth defeat in seven matches last weekend when the Trotters lost 3-1 away at Rotherham United, leaving them 10th in the table.
Evatt has basically come up with a bold, enterprising new theory — managers are completely irrelevant. If they sack him and bring a new one in, it won’t make a blind bit of difference.
“Whether people think it or not, changing me isn’t going to help, because the same players are out there, it’s the same personalities, it’s the same mentalities, it’s the same attributes and skill sets,” he claimed.
“They have to start delivering and it’s about time they did.”
“Changing me isn’t going to help.”
Ian Evatt after Bolton’s defeat against Rotherham 😳#bwfc
pic.twitter.com/3isaOkPJTk— The Real EFL (@RealEFLSocial) January 11, 2025
Maybe Evatt is on to something.
What would Lowestoft Town manager Andy Reynolds have said to his players immediately before they took on Alvechurch this week?
“Keep it tight lads, nothing silly, don’t give anything away early doors.”
@Alvechurch1st SCORE IN THE FIRST 6 SECONDS!!!!!! @OFCLTRAWLERBOYS 0-1 @Alvechurch1st #nonleague #nonleaguefootball #football pic.twitter.com/gq28gVm3t9
— Non League Wonders (@NLW_UK) January 14, 2025
(Top photo: Marc Atkins/Getty Images)
