If you haven’t reached your 30s yet, I’ll let you in on a little secret: They’re pretty great. Gone are the days of petty drama and lackluster friend groups, replaced by solid and steady friendships that rival the hype level of Rory and Lane in Gilmore Girls.
At 31 years old, I cherish the handful of strong women who are in my life. A few of us have a history that predates group chats and Instagram reel sharing—our origins date back to landline calls and flip phones. Others I met in college or had the unique experience of living with in a bustling city during our early 20s. These tight-knit friendships originate from all walks of life, and at this point, I know we are in it for the long haul.
Between growing careers, growing families, and everything in between, your 30s can feel like a free-for-all; every friend is living in a different life stage. Hangouts are more difficult to schedule. Free time becomes more limited. And for whatever reason, who we surround ourselves with feels far more life-giving or soul-sucking than it did before. Weekends together might turn into the occasional brunch, and weekly couch-rotting sessions might be hindered by hundreds of miles.
While it can be easy to mourn friendships shifting, I am in the process of learning how to grow and continue the relationships that are important in my life. From being more intentional with my free time to recognizing ways I can be a better friend, here is everything I am learning so far about having friends in your 30s.
1. Being mindful of your time and energy can help friendships grow
There are a ton of clichés about entering your 30s, and my favorite one rings exceptionally true these days: It’s not worth wasting time on people who don’t fill your cup. To explain this realization, I first must share that I am an Enneagram Type 9, also known as ‘The Peacemaker.’ For a long time, I found myself tending to every single friendship in my life with equal vigor. This meant constantly scheduling plans and always saying yes to social commitments. While this might not sound like a bad thing, it ultimately led to burnout, leaving me emotionally drained and resentful toward lackluster friends who weren’t bringing anything into my life.
The fact of the matter is that certain friendships shift or become more distant as time goes on, while others bloom. Realizing that not every relationship requires the same amount of care was a game changer for me. I discovered that it’s OK to have friends you catch up with once in a blue moon because that time spent together can still be worthwhile. It’s also OK to free yourself of friendships that no longer feel healthy or authentic, as that time is usually not well spent. (If only I had realized this sooner!)
“Part of sustaining a friendship is accepting the other person’s flaws.”
Being mindful of how I use my free time is something that has enriched my life. I’m able to determine when it’s better to say no to a social commitment, which allows me to give my time, energy, and brain space to friendships I would like to nurture instead.
2. Healthy boundaries are the key to happiness
While choosing who you spend time with might require setting boundaries, sometimes it’s healthy to practice boundaries even with our closest friends. You can say no! Even to friends! Really! Your true friends won’t be mad at you for putting yourself first. But as a recovering people pleaser, saying no hasn’t come naturally to me. I can be easily pressured by bigger, bolder personality types—so much so that a dear friend once jokingly told me that I “respond well to bullying.” This comment caused me to reflect on my introverted “nice girl” energy, and I decided from that point on that I would fully permit myself to say no when I wanted to.
For example, I once almost committed to a camping trip that I was dreading—tents are simply not for me!—because I was afraid to hurt my friends’ feelings. This camping trip wasn’t some big, important affair (such as a birthday or a milestone celebration), yet I was plagued by the gnawing thought that if I said no to this one thing, my friends would be upset.
I should note that 99.9 percent of the time, I want to spend time with my best friends… and I do! I soon realized that fretting over something this minuscule was a me problem and not a reflection of them. In the end, I did opt out and was truthful about why. Plot twist: My friends know me and figured it wasn’t my cup of tea anyway. They understood my decision and respected this small but pivotal boundary.
3. Everyone’s financial priorities differ
Part of being an adult is not only being financially responsible but also honoring your own needs. This might look like saying no to that concert you don’t want to go to or being honest when something is truly out of your budget. The opposite sentiment is also very true: If there is a trip or hobby that your friends aren’t interested in pursuing, go and do that thing anyway! As we get older, financial priorities shift and change: one friend might be saving for a house, one might be a travel bug, while another might be putting away money for their kids.
“A true friend understands and accepts all of your personality traits—good and bad—and is willing to work through difficult seasons together.”
In these economic times, we all have to be choosy about how we’re spending our hard-earned money. If differing life stages or financial situations are impacting a friendship, it can be helpful to plan something you’re both excited about. Maybe it’s a much-needed staycation instead of a getaway, or maybe it’s pursuing a shared interest or hobby together.
4. Being a good friend means accepting flaws—and being mindful of your own
Someone once told me that part of sustaining a friendship is accepting the other person’s flaws. Long-term friends know the best and worst parts of each other, and it’s likely the good qualities that keep the friendship going. Like any relationship, conflict is bound to rear its ugly head at some point, and that is OK… healthy even!
A true friend understands and accepts all of your personality traits—good and bad—and is willing to work through difficult seasons together. On the flip side, a good friend is also willing to take ownership of their mistakes and note their own flaws. For example, as someone who has always been conflict-avoidant (remember the whole Type 9 ‘Peacemaker’ thing?), I realized that this can come across as diminishing friends’ feelings when they are upset or angry. By understanding and accepting my own flaws, I can work on being a better friend.
5. A listening ear is one of the best gifts you can give in a friendship
Female friendships are truly the best, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without the incredible women in my life. I have come to realize that sometimes the best way to be a good friend is to simply be there, even in situations where you don’t have advice. The best moments in a friendship can be the belly laughs shared while remembering that hilarious thing that happened four years ago. They can also be the moments you cry together and remind the other that you are there to be a listening ear without judgment.
As life continues to evolve, the way we look at friendships will too. My friends and I have had countless conversations about how we feel less pressure to maintain a big group of friends as we get older. Certain friends come and go, and it’s not always a personal or negative thing when friendships end. The quality-over-quantity mindset has been one of the most important lessons we’ve all learned lately about having friends in your 30s.
As my friends and I navigate this new decade together, vulnerability has become the name of the game. We are sharing our lives, our families, our hardships, and our free time—and that means so much to me, no matter how often we forget to text each other back.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kailey Hansen, Contributing Writer
Kailey is a Chicago-based freelance writer and communications specialist with a B.A. in English/Journalism from Elmhurst College. When she’s not writing for The Everygirl, you can find her geeking about TV shows at BuzzFeed or covering pet news for Rover.
